SUPER NINTENDO

Street Fighter 2
94,025

Super Castlevania IV
16,670
It would have been more, but I really though this game sucked.

Street Fighter II
45,390

Zombies Ate my Neighbors
115,385
This took like a year. Serious. I would play it for a few days, then get sick of it and put it away. I put it away for about six months, then I found it under my TV stand while I was looking for some change. I pulled it out and sat down for the best game I ever played. I played a few times after that but never did as well again. Then, my Super Nintendo broke. I figure that if I find another Super Nintendo for real cheap, I'll kill at that game, since it's been like three years since I played.

Super Metroid
I lost it, but I was in the zone for this one. I was just in the game. Shit, I wish I could remember.

GAME CUBE

I have to say, when I got an old Nintendo when I was a kid way back when, I thought that it was the shit. I never thought that video games could be this awesome. I mean, now, when you shoot a zombie, the brains go all over the place, and you can see it.

Resident Evil 4
I guess getting a new car is gonna have to wait. I was walking by a video game store and saw that they had a new Resident Evil game. Now, the whole reason I got a GameCube was because I wanted to shoot zombies, and the best zombie-shooting games were coming out for the GameCube. That, and I had a Super Nintendo, so I knew that they would bring the goods. Anyway, I plunked down 50 bucks for the new Resident Evil game, and let me tell you, it's pretty sweet. I was kind of pissed that they got rid of the zombies, but the villagers you shoot are like zombies, so after a while, you can't tell the difference. Anyway, like the other ones, you don't have a score, and I haven't finished it yet. The pros of this game are that the characters swear in it, you don't have as many stupid puzzles to solve, and there's a guy with a chainsaw that'll cut your head off if you don't take him out fast. Oh, and there's a ton of blood and nastiness. The cons are that it kind of freaks you out since there are a bunch of villagers that all come after you. Someone knocked at my door yesterday and I didn't get it because I was pretty baked and I thought it was a villager with a pitchfork ready to stick me. They were there forever. Then the phone rang. Man, that made me nuts. I haven't left the house in two days, I been playing it so much. I'm still going, and I killed a bunch of things so I'd estimate that my score is about 500,000, even though they don't keep track.

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time.
This is one of those games I always saw on TV, with the guy flipping around and doing monkey kicks and reversing time, and thought, "I gotta get this." The only problem was that I was sort of tied up money-wise, and there was no way I could shell out $50 for a game. Plus, every time I tried to rent it, it was out. That's the problem with video stores. They have tons of XBox and PlayStation video games. So, here's a special call to stores that rents games: get more GameCube games! I ain't kidding—the only thing that sucks worse than finding all the GameCube games are out is finding that they have two copies of Luigi's Mansion.

Anyway, after going to the store so many times and not finding it, I forgot about it and moved on with my life. The other day, I was just kicking back, getting my bong on, when I saw the commercial for the new Prince of Persia. That's when I remembered: I really wanted to play that first Prince of Persia. I drove down to the video store, and the first thing I see when I get in there was the bin of used tapes and games. There was Prince of Persia: Sands of Time for only $15. I figured it was about $3 to rent it for five days, and it looked like it was going to take me a while to finish, so it would pay for itself in late fees alone.

I picked it up—and a tape of Orange County for $5—and took them home. After a few more pulls off the bong, I decided I wanted to watch a movie instead. I watched Orange County, and it was pretty funny. I'd tell you more, but this is about video games. Anyway, by the time all was said and done, I thought I should play some before I went to bed. I popped it in, and the machine said that it was unreadable. That happened to me before when I was eating pizza and got some cheese on the game, so I pulled it off and wiped it on my shirt, but I put it back in, and the same thing happened.

This was bullshit. I got this game to play, not to look at the box. I drove back to the store and made it right before they closed, but I had to wait for eight people in line before it was my turn. I told the clerk what happened, and he said that the games were tested and it must be my machine. I told him my machine was fine, and they sold me a bunk game. This went on for a few minutes, him telling me that I couldn't have my money back and me saying that they sold me a shit game. Finally, they gave me a store credit, but they were closing up, so I had to wait until tomorrow to use it. I was pissed, but you have to know when to cut your losses.

When I got home, I decided to shoot some zombies and I got the same error. I popped the lid, and sure enough, there was some cheese on the lens. I wiped it off with some toilet paper, and it worked just fine. I'd have used my store credit to re-buy the game, but then I'd look like I made the mistake, and that wasn't going to fly. Anyway, if you work at a video game store and you want to give me a copy, that would be cool, but it would be even cooler if you could hook me up with the new one too, so I could compare them. I would write about it, so it's not like you'd be throwing them away. So hook a fella up, would ya?

Eternal Darkness
I got through it twice and then got pretty bored. It stops creeping you out about half way through the second time. But I finished it twice, and it only took me six hours the second time, but I used a walk-through guide that Wes made for me.

Resident Evil 0
I got a B, but it took finish it four times, and I had to call in sick to work for two days. It's all right, but it's not as fun or as hard as the other ones.

Super Metroid Prime
I borrowed this one from Wes and played it for a week, but I kept getting hung up by all the little piddly shit you had to do before you get to shoot more things. Like, for example, there's all these computers you gotta scan. I'm not there to scanóI'm there to shoot. You have to read so much, it's like having a book on your TV. If I wanted to read, I'd get a car magazine. I took it out to play the arcade classics game I bought, and now I can't find it. I suppose I should clean up so it's not lost anymore, especially since Wes wants to get it back. I guess I got halfway through the thing. At least I hope so. I was playing that for forever.

Wario World Inc.
I never would have played this game if I hadn't busted my leg. I was bored out of my mind and got Wes to go out and get me something to play. Wes picked this one from the Blockbuster because the guy behind the counter was saying that it really stupid but fun, especially when you have more than one player. Let me tell you-he was half right. Wes came over with his own controller, and I swear, I have never seen anything so retarded. There are like a hundred thousand dumb-ass mini games on this one disc that you have to figure out in like three seconds, and then they're dumb and there's no way that three seconds is enough time to figure it out, especially when you're as baked as I was. And the graphics are like they're from an old Game Boy or an old Nintendo, not even the old Nintendo 64. Wes was having a great time, hooting and laughing like a jackass, but I got my ass kicked while Wes hooted like a jackass for ten minutes before I got sick of it. I didn't even keep track of what my score was. I'm just letting you know that this game should not be played, okay? But I suppose you can say I got a million points, and who's gonna say otherwise?

Metroid Prime 2: Echoes
Where to begin. I picked this up about a month ago. It was between that or Donkey Konga, which is pretty stupid, but it looked like it would be fun if no one was around. The thing is that you need an extra set of controllers to play it right, but you can play with your regular controllers if you need to. The other controllers are bongo drums, only with a cord that plugs into your Cube. I wound up renting it first, and I just felt like a dick playing it. I was hoping you could drum along to "We're An American Band" or something like that, but instead it was a bunch of crappy songs, except for "We Will Rock You," which is pretty cool since I haven't heard it in a while.

I returned that and decided that I should just buy Metroid Prime 2. Something like that needs more than a free weekend to figure out. It's one of those first person shooters. You see things and you shoot them until they disappear. Now, it was fun for a few hours, but after a while, I started to get tired. You had to remember a lot of things in order to get to the end. I stored them in my mind for a while. But there's so many things to remember, like where things are and what's in which room, that even my mind, which is like a steel trap, had a hard time remembering.

After a few of the bosses, it got real hard. Not like "this is fun because I can try again until I get it right" hard but "I have to start over from the last place I saved, which is like 30 rooms ago" hard. Shit, I could have spent the money on weed and tried to find my remote control if I wanted that sort of hassle.

There's no score, but I got up to like 40 percent before I got tired of it. Some people would say 40 percent was a failure, but I look at it as a success because I didn't throw my TV across the room.