The Smoove Boudoir

Note: Smoove wrote this column during an unfortunate period during which he went off his Zyprexa. It was rejected for his weekly column. This excerpt is being shown for the first time ever.

Mmmm, You Look Like A Sexy Turnip

Smoove B

Hey girl. How's it going? Damn, girl. Damn, girl. You want a pony? Everything you desire can be yours. It's true. No shit. It's true. It's true. You like the new Maxwell CD? It's good, isn't it? I like all the songs on it. It's sweet. We can make love to it. Yup, we sure could. It's a fine album. You are also fine. Don't doubt it. I'm going to make some cheese grits, if you want some. I can always pack some away for your lunch if you think you might want to have some later. Don't doubt this to be true. You know who you remind me of? Halle Berry. She crazy, but also fine. You know what else is crazy? Ice hockey. I have no idea what's going on there, when I watch from my big-screen television, when I'm lying on my bed naked but for my aluminum-foil armbands. What? I'm sorry. I thought you said something. Why don't you come to Smoove's lovin' arms? What? Oh, I thought you were saying "chicken" to me. If you're making some, I'd love some. You know how I love your cooking. I also enjoy cooking for you, when the time is right, like, around 4:30 p.m. Don't you think that's the best time for me to cook for you? I think so, but I'll cook for you whenever you want. I'll make you corn, because you seem to enjoy it. I enjoy corn, too. We have so much in common, you and I. I want to take you to the stars. I think you'll have fun there. We'll fly over the moon, and then I'll hit you doggy style in the anti-gravity room. I've always wanted to do that, ever since I saw Moonraker. How come there's never been a brother playing James Bond? Wouldn't that be dope? I could do it. Check it, "B...Smoove B." Do you have United-Artist's phone-number? I'll call 4-1-1. Don't worry your pretty little fingers about that. Did you just get a manicure? I like that color on you. Did you go to that Korean place? I'm glad I've never been drafted. I'm a lover, not a heavy-artillery engineer. Damn, do you want to go out to eat? I'm not all that hungry, but I could use a glass of water. Did I tell you that I'm from the old school? That's why I'm so fresh. Damn. So, who's this guy you know? He isn't Smoove. I'm Smoove. Tell this other guy to go back to Ohio, if he wants. I don't want to get violent. Using a pipe to shatter another man's skull makes Smoove sad. When did you get satellite television? That's why I can't stay at your place. My thoughts get transmitted to Jupiter. Hey, I'm going to go out and get us some cookies. Do you want chocolate or chocolate chip? I'm thinking about getting a woodchuck as a pet and naming him Edwin. Where are your yellow pages? I'm going to get going on that right now. Do you think it's under "W" or "Chuck"? I can't stand the winter. I look puffy then. Even though I often ask you whether I'm your daddy, I'm not really your daddy. That would be weird. Damn, girl. I've never learned another language, but if I did, it would be Italian. Why? Because I'm pretty sure my baker is mocking me. I've been thinking of getting all-cotton sheets, but I'd ask for your opinion before I did so. I respect your opinion, especially on cotton. I'm thinking about taking yoga, but it would probably make my change drop out of my pants. You know, I've never made a gumbo I've been happy with. Do you know how depressing that can be? Do you?! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! Hey baby, why are you on the phone? I'm like a sexy chicken. Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck...

Mmmm, You Look Like A Sexy Turnip

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